One of the biggest pain points after a break up is seeing your ex move on seemingly faster and easier than yourself. It is heart-wrenching, especially if it happens soon after the separation or when you haven’t been able to let go regardless of how much time had gone by. I experienced this myself.
Two years after our relationship ended, I was still in pain. My life was on hold. A part of me was still waiting to find resolution or some type of closure to embrace life again. I felt stuck. I felt angry. I was unable to let go or to forgive.
Even though this experience applies to both men and women, I will dedicate this post to men’s ability to move on faster because I have encountered this version more. During my work with clients and my own process of healing, I have arrived at some truths about why men tend to move on faster than women after a break-up. Maybe some of these will resonate with you and maybe, if I am lucky, they will offer an explanation that can act as a soothing balm to your broken heart.
1)They were groomed by society
Let’s face it, after the first heartbreak, we start building walls around our hearts. This is very similar to an ankle swelling up after it has been sprained. A natural protective shield is erected when our hearts become unexpectedly tenderized by an innocent high school rejection. This shield gets stronger and taller as years go by and romantic disappointments accumulate. By the time we hit thirty, we have already developed tall walls around our hearts and have practiced guarding them.
Men tend to learn to build these walls when they are very young. They are taught to stuff down their emotions. They grow up hearing statements such as: “Boys don’t cry”, or “Be a man”, etc. It is sad how they get groomed to leave their authentic self-expression behind to fit a mold that was there before they were born.
Consider this: the man who loved you was already prepared for the break-up even before you met him. No matter how much he loved you, he had a lot of practice with blocking his emotions. He moved on to the next thing in order not to feel pain. It wasn’t because of you or in spite of you. It had nothing to do with you.
2)They are unable to stay with the pain
Just the way they were conditioned to block off their emotions, men were also cheated from developing the skills to stay with their emotions and work through them. So, they learned ways to run from them. Usually running from pain means running toward fun, something new, something unfamiliar so it doesn’t remind them of what they moved away from. It is easier to jump into another person’s life than to stay in yours and feel everything.
Some men do this for the rest of their lives – until something or someone cracks them open. Staying with the pain of the break up would have led them to an awakening, which is a very uncomfortable, sometimes gut-wrenching experience. He wasn’t ready to go there. So, he moved on to the next thing. It doesn’t mean that he didn’t love you, that he didn’t care or that the new woman is better than you. It just means he didn’t have the ability or the courage to process it deeply before he got involved with someone new. Or that it wasn’t his time to do so.
3)They only change for one woman and when they are ready
Not every man you love will transform into the Divine Masculine you dream to be with. As a general rule, it is a woman who motivates them to go through that transformation. A woman we would call a goddess. A goddess is not born, she is made. You are a goddess in training. You weren’t ripe enough to help him transform. You still have a journey to take to come into your own power and wholeness.
Your task is to keep working on yourself and build your own unique goddess toolkit. Continuing to hang on to him will delay your process. Leave him to find his own healing when he is ready. Now, you can use this pain to continue cultivating the goddess in you.
Which would you have: “him as he is now” or “the goddess you are meant to become”? If you answer is the former, we need to talk. The truth is: you can’t have both. It is like a caterpillar wanting to stay in the cocoon and to become a butterfly at the same time. It is not possible.
4)He was your lesson, you were not his
It is very likely that him moving on to someone else so soon triggered a version of the, “Was I not good enough?” story in you. If it did, this was one of your lessons. Chances are, you had this wound before he ever showed up. It is not your fault that you have these wounds, but it is a part of your spiritual path to heal them. You were not his lesson, but he was yours. It is on your plate for a reason. Unless you work through the insecurity of not being good enough, the story will stay the same but the actors will change. With each new man you love, you will have the same lesson standing in front of you- until you accept and heal it. It won’t go away.
5)Their brains are different
I am not a brain scientist. One thing I know for sure is that if we had a man’s brain, we would be acting like them, too.
Men tend to compartmentalize things. They have a “box” for everything. They can go in and out of them without being affected by the other boxes. Since they are wired to be hunters and gatherers, evolution has not allowed them to wallow over a heartbreak too long. The survival of the species depends on the man being strong, working, producing and bringing home the bread to feed the children.
Are there men who are shattered and launch into the dark night of the soul after a break-up? Of course, there are. Those are the ones who were scheduled to awaken. They had no choice in the matter. The one you separated from had that choice (for now). His timing is only known and dictated by a higher power. If you can allow yourself to accept just this fact, you will find your peace faster.
6)He was and may always be a goddess-initiator
He has agreed to play a very crucial role in the awakening of the women he encounters. He is a goddess-initiator. It is very possible that he will continue being in and out of relationships and getting out before or after they get serious. He may be happy with the way he is and he may never commit to a long-term relationship. He may move on from flower to flower like a bee, pollinating their soul and leaving soon after. If this was his soul contract and he wasn’t ever going to be that man for you, wouldn’t you be stealing your future by hanging onto your past with him?
I truly hope that this post helps you develop new, more empowering and self-liberating perspectives. The pain of the break-up may not go away after reading this. You may still need to process, grieve and gather all the crumbs of wisdom he left for you to decipher. Bless him and his path forward. Take back your life and your power. Create a life your old self would be jealous of. You deserve it.