This past week, I tackled something I've been putting off for a long time. It looked like a bigger job than it really was. I avoided it like the plague. For months! I kept getting reminder emails. “Hello dear procrastinator. We are onto you!” (my interpretation).
As you might guess, I started feeling badly about myself for avoiding it. It was creating a power leak in me. This made it harder and made the horse on the chessboard look like the Trojan Horse.
I knew I couldn’t avoid it any further, so I got to work. I interviewed my procrastination to get to the bottom of it.
“How do you feel?”
“I am scared”.
“What are you scared of?”
“How would you feel if you were to fail?”
“Tell me, what is the feeling you are afraid to feel? I need to know so I can help”.
“I am scared of feeling like I am not good enough”.
Bam! There it was. Why was I surprised? It has come up before. I thought I had learned how to work with it. Not when it was hiding behind procrastination, I guess.
I procrastinated because I was trying to avoid feeling not good enough. Because it is one of my core wounds. The task I needed to complete is in an area I am not good at. So, I knew that it was going to trigger me. I was afraid of my own story tripping me and gave it too much power by hiding from it.
Bringing myself to a more empowered emotional state by being willing to see the fear helped me breathe. I realized that I could ask for help to get it done. You see, hiding from it prevented me from getting help. This is almost always the case. Help is out there but we are so frozen in our fear that we can’t even reach out for it.
I felt like I grew a little more through this experience.
If you have something that you have been procrastinating, try to identify which emotions that task brings up in you. That's your vulnerable point. A portion of your life energy is spent on protecting yourself from it. It needs your love and attention to heal.
If you do the exercise I demonstrated above, feel free to share your experience. I want to remind you to please be patient with your younger self when you are interviewing him/her. They might be shy in the beginning but your patience and love will bring out the answers you seek. On the other side, you will find your freedom like I did…